This is the ultimate guide on how to completely sabotage your chances of selling a house. Just because you’ve spent the last umpteen years paying that note, doesn’t mean you want to turn a profit, does it? Because who needs to make money, right? So, let's jump into the 7 mistakes that will guarantee you never sell your property!
1. Don't Bother Cleaning
Why waste your time cleaning when you can let potential buyers imagine what it would look like if it were clean? Just leave all your dirty dishes in the sink and let the dust bunnies roam free. Dirt builds character, and you've got lots of it. Who doesn’t like that Walking Dead motif?
2. Keep Personal Items Everywhere
Buyers want to feel like they're invading someone's home, so make sure to leave all your personal items lying around. Pictures of your family, your old high school yearbook, and your collection of cat figurines will definitely help potential buyers envision themselves living there. Sprinkle the kids toys around and make sure to keep your Sean Jean track suits strategically scattered everywhere. Who knows, they make come back in style.
3. Don't Fix Anything
Why bother fixing that leaky faucet or squeaky door? It's not like anyone will notice! And if they do, just tell them it adds character to the place. Tell them that they get to keep the doorknob if it comes off when they pull it. Let em know what peeling paint and water stains really look like. Plus, who doesn't love the sound of dripping water all day?
4. Overprice Your Property
Sure, the market might be telling you one thing, but you know better, right? Why listen to your realtor? They only do this for a living. Jack up the price to at least double what other similar properties are going for. Who cares if it's out of reach for most buyers? You only need one person right?!
5. Don't Stage the Property
Why waste your time and money on staging when buyers can just imagine what it would look like with furniture? Leave everything bare and let their creativity run wild. And if they can't picture anything, it's their problem, not yours.
6. Only Allow Limited Viewing Times
Buyers love feeling pressured and rushed, so make sure to only allow viewings at inconvenient times. Noon on a Tuesday? Perfect! 8 am on a Sunday? Even better! Who needs weekends anyway? Why should you be inconvenienced for half a million dollars?
7. Don't Hire a Good Real Estate Agent
Who needs a knowledgeable and experienced real estate agent when you can just handle everything yourself? Sure, you might not know the market, legal requirements, or how to negotiate a sale, but it's fine! You can always hire a lawyer when things go south. They don’t charge much. What could go wrong?
Well, there you have it, folks! Follow these 7 mistakes, and you'll be well on your way to not selling your house. But if you actually want to sell, then please do the opposite of everything we just said. If you need a Superbowl prediction… try NY Rangers vs Chicago Cubs … it’s a lock. If you need to actually sell your home… AskHollingworth.